Find Healing and inspiration to keep from falling apart.
My title is loaded, and it is loaded because I have a lot to unpack in this blog post. First let me say I am sorry for the hiatus. I have not posted in a while, but a lot as happened over the last few months and I had to take the time to process. Find healing and inspiration to keep from falling apart. I want to encourage everyone reading this post to hold on and hang in there. There are undoubtedly better days a head, though the walls feel like they are pressing in on you and you are unable to breath, just keep taking slow deep breaths. Sometimes what you think is the end of you is not as bad as it feels or it’s the beginning of who you are meant to be. Remember in high school when you thought all your problems and issues then was the end of the world and everyday something went wrong you had the thought that you are ruined forever. That was not true then and it is not true now.
Over the last few months, I have questioned humanity, myself, my sanity, my intentions and even God. I got to a place where I could only ask why me God? I must me doing something wrong for all these bad things to be happening to me. But then I take a deep breath and realize…that despite the moving parts , the deceptive person that I let into sacred spaces in my life that violated my trust, the job loss, the pandemic the movement of an entire race to be liberated to be finally accepted and belonging as an equal part of the human race, the depression and the anxiety…it is well with me. I get stuck in myself pity sometimes and I must remind myself that if not for the grace of God where would I be? I could be homeless, I could be dead, I could be living in a place where to get a drink of water I need to walk miles. I could not have a fully cooked and prepared meal on my table for every meal of the day. Then I am filled with a wave of gratitude and I am in aww of God because he truly is good to me.
I think to myself dear I say this, but as bad as things are it can be a thousand times worst. So where do I go from here? What do I do next? Because as much as I am grateful, I still feel stuck. I am finding rest looking internally to heal and find meaning for life in a time where it seems like what is the point of all this, why do the right thing when it seems like even when I do the right thing the wrong things happen to me. I took a quiet walk along the board walk at my local beach park. A rear moment for me, not having my kids and not having to be all things to everyone but just a moment to myself. To take in natures healing. I walked and greeted everyone with a smile feeling genuinely happy in that moment to be able to offer a genuine smile and hello without being otherwise occupied or needing to attend to my crying baby or answer my eldest question about why we all have to fallow the same rules if we are all so different. I sit next to a wooden gazebo, surrounded by these delicately colored pink flowers, they created an aurora of a romantic evening stroll and as the sun sets and I continue to take slow deep breaths I relax into a wave of peace, happy to just be.
Don’t get me wrong I love being a mom! I love greeting my kids with a kiss and feeling their excitement as they pile into my room greeting the day with more energy than I can ever muster up in one full day. I love making them delicious meals and watching them squeal and clean their plates with excitement and storm off to the next adventure barely washing up after. I love taking strolls with them and hearing their fascinating and sometimes challenging questions about life and watching their personalities manifest and change overtime. But most of all I love reading to them before bed, praying over them and giving them lots of kisses as I tuck them in. I love this for more reasons than one. It is truly a blessing to have the opportunity and it’s really a gift to myself because now I get to take a bath and meditate, hit reset for the next day but more importantly it’s time for me to spend sometime growing and developing myself as a human being.
Often we go through struggles or hardship but instead of using them as learning opportunities to grow and find out more about ourselves we zombie through them. Never learning, never growing and when we find ourselves in the same phase in our next chapter, we have the audacity to be dumb founded. It is so important to me to learn about each phase of my life, what they are meant for, what are the take aways and how I use this phase to improve the dealings in my next phase.
So as I move through this era of a pandemic, a revolt against systemic injustice, a divorce, loosing my job, being now on my own with two children, becoming a homeschool teacher to both boys I learnt that changes aren’t always bad, even the bad ones can sometimes come to do great good. They come sometimes to put an end to things we refuse to burry and let go of. Things that otherwise if change doesn’t eradicate can destroy us. Change comes to foster growth and I love growing. I am fascinated with the process of a plant growing from one tiny seed to then a little shrub shoots out the ground, then we see stems and flowers that produces more seeds. Change is that, a seed that fosters growth and births new things in life. It is easier to deal and grow with change when you let it, don’t resist or fight it because it will happen. Whether you reap the benefits of the new seeds and ideas that come along with change is a whole different conversation, but change will happen whether you let it or not.